From Baseball Dreams to Addiction: May 27, 2019 Was the Beginning of the End

7 mind-boggling years ago, Hudson’s addiction spiral began and left an indeible impact on everyone who knew him. Looking through the photos and videos of Hud, it’s impossible not to wonder how an outrageously fun-loving, baseball-driven, smart, tender hearted, and hilarious young man—who was deeply loved by family and friends—became trapped in addiction.

Hudson and Kelly with their World Championship Rings On

A Promising Life

Hudson was a typical teenager with the world at his finger tips. Baseball was his life and all of his coaches, including Kelly Paris (retired MLB/1982 Cardinals World Series player), believed he could go as far as he wanted with a baseball career. Not only was Hud MVP on his freshman high school badeball team and a D1 prospect as a leftie pitcher, but his coaches and teammates loved him. He had a quirky, magnetic personality that drew people to him - if you met him, you immediately loved him.

During his freshman year of high school, Hudson began experimenting with weed right about the time Kelly, Hud's travel ball coach, hitting coach, mentor (on and off the field), and best friend was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Kelly was more than a coach—he was Hud’s person, someone he turned to for advice on everything; i.e. how to get out of a hitting slump (Kelly's advice: "make an adjustment or keep on sucking"), how to open kitchen tongs, how to get the cute girls in class to help you pass your math exams! Kelly's perspective on baseball and life resonated deeply with Hud - we called Kelly the "Hudson whisperer!"

The Loss That Changed Everything

Just nine excruciatingly painful months after his diagnosis, Kelly passed away on May 27, 2019. Watching his hero, someone larger than life, go from being an pro-athlete to a breathing skeleton took its toll. Hudson shut down completely. He didn’t leave his room for two weeks, stopped eating, lost a significant amount of weight, couldn't focus on anything (even exempt from final exams) and nothing or no one could help him (not even therapists). He couldn't see a future without Kelly.

Unable to cope with the loss, he turned to darker drugs to numb the pain. What started with weed quickly escalated to coke, xanax, acid, mushrooms, molly's - cocktails of any and all drugs so that he could black out and not face his grief. Madelyn and I watched in horror and disbelief and began fumbling our way through learning how to support and get treatment for an addict.

The Dark Years of Addiction

The next three years were a blur - a "warzone" as Madelyn adequetely described it in her college essay. We lived in constant fear for Hudson's life as we were forced to constantly face:

• Drug-induced blackouts and late-night emergency calls from friends fearing for his life

• Erratic behaviors -jumping out of moving cars and 2nd story windows (breaking his arm)

• Police involvement, parole officers and legal troubles

• Dealing drugs to support his habit

• Physical violence, including Hud being pistol whipped during a drug deal gone wrong

• Overdosing on coke and oxy 4th of July, resulting in seven days in the ICU

  
  

We tried everything - numerous outpatient rehabs, court assigned treatment programs, involuntary 90 days in wilderness camp, weekly sessions with therapists, anti-anxiety/depression medications - nothing would tame the beast of addiction.

There were heartwarming, cherished periods of sobriety when I got my son back:

• Returning from 90 days of wilderness camp Oct. 2020, Hud remained sober for 9 months prior to OD'ing on July 4, 2021

• Hud again remained sober 9 months after he OD'd 4th of July

  
  

Both times of sobriety where I thought we'd hit "rock bottom" and finally turned the corner. Only to get that horrific 7:15 am doorbell ring on March 30, 2022, with a sheriff standing there asking if I was Hudson Mankin's mother and she was sorry to inform me he had passed away. I collapsed to the ground, hanging on to the door knob, sobbing over and over, "We can't undo this. He's really gone forever."

The Aftermath of Addiction

Now all of the 19 years of loving memories and photos/videos are frozen in time - no more to ever come. The loss of my husband, who showed me and my kids what true love looks like, has been completely overshadowed by the loss of my son. I can process and accept that a 61 year old husband/father/friend passes sooner than one hopes and that my mother and grandmother (my rock until she passed 3 days after Kelly) would also pass leaving difficult voids, but I have not, and will never, truly be able to process or accept that my 19 year old son will not get to fulfill all off his dreams. When a parent loses a child, the circle of life becomes 50 shades of fucked up, and there is no moving foward, no moving on. The old version of you dies with your child, and the new version of you is just a shell of who you were before. There is happiness, but it's never complete.

To add insult to injury - addiction has a nasty stigma to it - most people don't understand that grief can trigger addiction and that addiction is not truly a "choice." Especially today - drugs are substantially more addictive than drugs have ever been historically, and they can kill you - especially when they are laced with fentanyl (i.e., you don't know the drugs you purchased have fentanyl in them because you very naively believe your dealers are your "friends" and would never sell you something that will kill you).

Remembering Hudson

Hudson’s story is heartbreaking on so many levels, but if you've read the news, he's part of an epidemic- hundreds of thousands have died to fentanyl poisonings, especially over the last 5 years. By sharing his journey, I hope to raise awareness about the realities of addiction, the prevalance of fentanyl and how it is wiping out a really talented and much loved generation of young adults, and the importance of compassion for those who have addiction, especially loss to addiction, in their families.

Hudson was more than his addiction. He was my first born - the best son a mom could ever ask for, my daughter's best friend and late night fast food driving companion, the life of every party, and the heart of every baseball team he ever played on. He forever lives in our hearts and his light will never dim.